How long before a narcissist devalues you

This cycle is broken down into three important phases: idealization, devaluation, and rejection. By understanding these key points, people who are struggling with narcissism or those who are in a relationship with a narcissist can get the help they need.

Knowing the signs of narcissistic abuse can also help you recognize the narcissistic abuse cycle. Everyone who has been in a romantic relationship can recall those initial feelings of joy and happiness when they meet someone new. For instance, did you feel a sense of euphoria when you began dating your partner? This is pretty common. However, in the narcissistic abuse cycle, things go to a whole different level.

A narcissist will idealize their new partner and put them on a pedestal. Rather, they feel they have found perfection, and so, they pour their affections on their new partner. For the person on the receiving end, this might feel great at first. However, it can quickly become overwhelming. For most couples, when the honeymoon stage wears off things begin to fall into a predictable pattern or routine. You can and still do love your partner dearly. However, that initial euphoria usually wears off.

And yet, this is the time when most couples start growing closer in many ways and learning how to work together as partners. However, in the narcissistic abuse cycle, this phase of the relationship is quite different. They realize that their partner is actually not perfect who is, after all?! The value of a person being only to fuel their own self-image and importance. Hence, the narcissist begins to put their partner down or holds back on being intimate or showing their affection.

When their partner pushes back, the narcissist might turn things around—perceive themselves as the victim and blame their partner, which allows them to further devalue them. Typically, successful couples reach a point where they not only get along but actually thrive with each other. You might have seen this in other couples or experienced it yourself. Yet, they are capable of communicating and resolving their differences. A narcissist, on the other hand, begins to reject their partner and finally discard them in favor of a new relationship that fulfills their needs.

These would be the qualities that most couples strive towards. In fact, they are the bedrock of long-lasting relationships. A narcissist, though, only wants relationships to fuel their ego and sense of importance. Not many people understand the trama that goes with this experience.

I vow to thrive, to heal, and look forward. The Discard phase, though. I can not begin to tell you how this has turned my life upside down. I do know Narcissism and Parental Alienation go hand in hand. Married my N 13 years ago and helped him raise his son, our son, as bio mom was not in the picture.

I was there for that child and gave him so much love and support, along with my own daughters. This went on for years as I was idealized, devalued and discarded over and over again, until I said I had enough. I wanted to set healthy boundaries and a custody plan to reduce tension for me and my family.

I bet you can guess what happened when I did this…. I have been alienated from him to the Nth degree. He is not allowed to contact me. N continues to do things, not in the best interest of our children, to hurt me, and outside of legal action, what can I do to minimize these wounds they have now because of it?

And then in time he may seek you out later … or not — but regardless you will be able to be at peace and generate your True Life regardless. Th healing is always the same — let go of trying to control the uncontrollable anything outside of ourselves come inside, find, meet and heal our wounds.

None of his devaluation attempts worked on me until he started to withhold all physical signs of affection. I mean everything. No hug. No goodnight kiss. Your thoughts? And often it is not until we really sit with ourselves go deeply inside with techniques that get us in touch with our subconscious that we start to reveal our true answers. Melanie- Thank you for your answer. I am going to do the work. But how could he know this detail about my past?

Or, is it my reaction — that he was trying everything until something hit? Yes, we all showed up in ways that made these weak spots obvious for someone who knew what to look for. I figured it out! He stopped saying he loved me after an argument six months before he left.

He knew that bothered me. I also had told him at the beginning how I knew one of my long term relationships was over because my ex stopped physical contact. You know, in doing this work, the memories and thinking show us a lot about ourselves too.

Thank you! Good morning everyone. I have been on this journey for two years up down and around. This post was the best written explanation of what happens that I have read in a long time. He did exactly what u said. Foolish me I need a ride today and texted him to find out if he could.

He responded with details of where he was which was unnecessary a simple no would have been enough. Anyhow this is a hotel to which he takes women who behave.

Needlessly to say I have never been there lol but on some level I am hurt. From ur blog I understand why I feel this way. I am owed so much money from him, but I felt it was not worth the baiting he did to get me back in the court room. There is just peace in me and my kids doing our best.

Then he will just drop in, via phone text, and sometimes stalk the children outside out home when I am not around. It usually happens around holidays and their birthdays. My daughter, I feel was devalued and discarded by him a couple of years ago, around when she turned 18, when she told him to stop contacting her because his contact was unhealthy for her.

He still contacts my son with secret money packets for him, telling him call me if you need money, call me if you want me to claim you on my taxes so you can get loan money, etc. He will show up at his school and talk to the counselor, and never see my son or even attempt to.

It is all just really weird. But it is so sporadic, but wham, I hear he visited and it is like I am feeling devalued and discarded. However truly there are people even actively co-parenting who do strict No Contact or very firm Modified Contact. These are people who did a lot of inner work to get past the fear of setting boundaries, who then could implement them. Hi Melanie.

How is it a narc can be so emotionally abusive, yet come off as smelling like a rose to the rest of the world? It is insult to injury. Cause if you point out their flaws to others, YOU get blamed!

This article hit it on the head for me. I am so excited this is the first time I have ever wanted to write a comment. Thank You! Your work over the last 5 years has saved my life. Hello Melanie, Thank you for you articles, they always resonate with me. I met my N 17 years ago, one year after leaving my marriage with my two children.

At first it was a whirlwind of compliments gifts and constant attention. Even back then something felt a bit off. It felt like he had made me the centre of his universe and i would feel guilt at not wanting to spend all my time with him. Long story short, his previous marriage ended as his wife had been unfaithful, we married 5 years after meeting as he always seemed very insecure just being in a de facto relationship.

It might have been as inconsequential as going to the movies with girlfriends. Slowly but surely i had tried to find myself again and be the self assured and happy person i used to be. The last straw was in June when my older sister Deidre passed away suddenly at the age of Both my sister and mother live in another state to me. My mother called to tell me the terrible news.

I was just on my way out the door with a girlfriend to an expo in town. My N called me back in and my friend waited in the entry hall. After getting off the phone from my mother i went out to the hall to let Angela know what was going on. The next morning my N was in tears in the kitchen when i got up.

I flew out for the funeral and the Sunday before the funeral we had a viewing. He now says he has had an epiphany and is aware of how badly he has treated me. Problem is he was actually in a sexual relationship with another woman from October to February , yet was still coming to me asking for another chance and we were seeing a marriage counselor to try and sort some issues out.

I found out he was in a sexual relationship from sexually explicit texts and pictures on his phone. He also said he had ended it on 16th Feb and I later found that he was still seeing her in April but insists the sex had stopped in February. I have also uncovered numerous lies and betrayals he has said and done over the last 12 months, too many to list. He has been going to this place for approx 5 years but swears it was only for a massage prior to November.

I now know the man i fell in love with is a figment of my imagination and i should cut him out of my life and heal myself and my children and stop expecting him to be somebody he is not but i cant seem to let go.

I am now seeing a psychologist and am on anti depressants as i was not coping very well. My psychologist is trying to help me stand up for myself. She believes i have built up a few schemas, the prominent on being the subjugation schema. Please help me be strong. I am an intelligent woman yet i still want to believe that he can change, we will reconcile and our relationship will be better than it was before. Hi Melanie Why am I struggling to leave? I seem to find any excuse to stay. I know our son will be devastated as he has been put on a pedestal by his dad.

I am also financially reliant on him I made a decision to build a business up so I am independant financially. I link some fear back to my previous marriage with a sociopath, whom I managed to leave eventually and ended up with years of grief and hassle.

My daughter has suffered from his abandonment on emotional needs of hers. I also follow the pattern of childhood, my father is also a narc and a serial philanderer like my husband, yet my mother remains with him. I said to myself that I did not want to end up like my parents which gave me strength to leave my first marriage. Now I struggle to let go although I no longer love him after all the affairs and lack of love, no affection, no sex, rejection and lack of emotion.

He gives nothing to me but the roof over our head and thinks it is ok to live like this. Why am I here? There is no logic!!!! I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time and struggle with this …. In stark contrast she will take on the blame, keep going back for more and try to convince people who hurt her to love her instead. Please also come into my next Webinar Group so that you truly learn how to heal from this …. It is also really common Linda, until we have done the work inside our own bodies — to release what has kept us hooked in — to struggle to let go.

You are right — there is NO happy ending to this relationship for you … only more pain and heartbreak. Thank you so much Melanie, I will go on the link now and sign up Again thank you for your support. I will get through this one step at a time with your communities support. Linda xxx. Thank you for your reply Melanie.

I bought your program more than a year ago and kept finding excuses not to get past the first session. Went through idoling, devalue and discard over 2 years ago and still to this day have bad days. From what little bit I see on social media, they seem like the perfect couple doing all kinds of fun, cute things. I asked many questions when I felt he was pulling away about her only to have him gaslight me into thinking I was overthinking everything, she was a friend, the usual stuff.

I still struggle with that. I feel so stuck. I want to be free of this. I am so sorry you are going through this much pain … it can feel excruciating to be replaced. My ex narc and I broke up 3 months ago, within a month he was engaged and he recently married. The last 5 years were the worst…. I am learning to heal myself and your website is so helpful and insightful.

I now know that everything he said, his tears, his promises were not real…I woke up the final time when my 15 year old daughter looked at me and said why bother breaking up with him you will only take him back.

At that moment I realized that my co-dependency behavior was showing my son and daughter that I devauled my self by allowing his expensive gifts to me and them mask his lies and deceit.

So I decided to stand up for myself…In this process I have realized my mother is a Narc and I begun setting boundaries with her and also having my children do the same. I now know why I attrack Narcs, I grew up under the same roof with one. Her rages and actions are so inappropriate, I no longer allow her negative comments and views to affect me…i am teaching my children the same. I have never been so happy in my life. Narc Free in ! How gorgeous — and how beautiful now that you can grant them the health of seeing you by example honouring yourself.

They usually have one narcissistic parent. Do they have conscience and are they looking for n supply or distraction from pain? Falling in love does not have to be about throwing all caution to the wind bonding too quickly and not being mature and realistic ….

The real question is: Are they willing to face their inner traumas and heal them to become conscious? Thank you Mel.

Can we release an obsession using NARP modules? People need to heal and grow up to be a mature adult container to hold love, and work with love growth with another heathily. Yes, absolutely NARP is about clearing up and healing the original wounds that cause us to take part in and be unhealthily obsessed. I finally found the courage to break free and not get trapped in that toxic cycle yet again.

Everything makes so much sense now. Now I can look forward to healing and loving myself. Thanl you! This is helping me immensely. Unfortunately, my narc is a close coworker, who has since left me for his ex. And knowing that he really would have never changed makes things at least a bit easier. My ex husband terrified me for years. We have two kids together which is very difficult.

Thank you for making me realize no contact is best! I am a 40 year old male narcissist. I am not proud of this fact. I have started a blog that will hopefully help explain why narcissists become who they are so you can be sure if you have kids to watch out for these types of behaviors and if you encounter a narcissist you can watch out for the red flags. My aim is to help people and potentially help myself. Feel free to check it out by clicking on my name Narc above.

Did you make this amazing site yourself? Good discussion. I loved the analysis , Does someone know if my business could grab a blank IN Form copy to fill out?

Hi aimee cosmar. Reading your articles is literally saving my life and well-being right now thank you!! The part about needing our own wounds healed was particularly insightful and helpful. Thank you Melanie! I have read so much about narcissism and sociopaths for the last few years.

Your article is very clear and helps me to see what happened, my role in it and how to heal. Greatly appreciated. For those who believe that narcissists or sociopaths are only male, I assure them they are wrong. Thank you so much for all the information and detail explanation of how narcissists behave and why some of us are co-dependents.

I broke up with my N ex because I was so confused, a month a a half ago. He immediately left and was okay with breakup which made even more confused. After reading your articles everything made so much sense. I used to live with my alcoholic father when a was younger and I used to take care of him, food, where he was, scared of him not leaving me, I would go find him in bar around the city and sit with him and his drunk friends.

When he was sober I would make him promise me that If he loves me, he would stop drinking. Now that I think about it, I was thinking more about how he would look at me because of these things. Thanks to you I found out why I attract people like that and I want to heal from my trauma, I just dont know where to start. My N ex convinced me to be friends with him but I completely blocked him now and will not look back. I want to be able to stop thinking about him…….. I had anxiety for a while but it got worse now.

You can find out the details here. In December I had an interview via Skype for a job I applied in another country. We were talking quite a lot. After a couple of days, I asked if he was married by any chance to what he said yes. Married 25 years and 3 children. He told me he was falling in love with me, that his heart was mine, that he wanted to live with me, be a couple and that he was serious about me. We continued talking. Coincidentally, at that same time I was offered another job I had applied for in that same country where he lives and where he is from and I took it.

This job was in a city kms away from where he is. I really believed what he told me. Thing is that after about 2 months he came to visit me one day and told me out of the blue that he was not leaving his family and was staying. Somehow, we continued talking but during the 8 months I was living there he came to see me a total of 5 times for about 12 hours each time.

He refused to answer my messages for hours on end and never apologised. There were many times I would see him online on messenger and whatsapp but he always denied talking to others.

Even at the start I remember twice when he said he was going to sleep at 11 PM and then I would see him online at 1 AM. He would never ask me how my weekends were or what I did despite knowing I was alone in a foreign country and knew no one. Another day I told him I like him and what I liked and when I asked back he said I had described it very well and that he would use exactly my same words.

I stayed there for 8 months and decided to go back to my country and leave everything in November After one month, in December while we were talking one day he told me that the person who was working at his company, which was the position he initially interviewed me for, was leaving and if I was interested in the job. In fact, I came back and there was something going on between us including sex. He always would say he was staying with his family and that this would stay that way.

For 2 months he was nice to me although he barely saw me — just maybe once every two weeks. In the office he flirted with me when people were not around and he looked happy to have me here.

We went twice for dinner and the last time he said we could go somewhere the next time. I asked why he offered me the job and he said that it was better to have me here than back where I lived in my country. He was with me last time on the 11th of March — sex included. He was talking to me in such an angry state to the point he told me to get off the car and that he was leaving with me or without me in it. I was shaking, in shock not knowing what I had done wrong.

The times he would visit me he would spend 1 hour at the most, had sex and soon later out of the door. I felt bad, really bad but kept going.

He mentioned something about drugs with his son but my intuition told me there was something else. He told me it was better to distance the situation between us and to be friends. Then he goes home at 11 PM on a weekday and tells his wife about this and the next day he travels to meet the new woman.

He is planning to move out now for someone he met days ago when he had always told me he was staying at home and this was not changing. He refused talking to me, walked out on me every time I wanted to talk, shouted and even at the beginning when he was very nice to me one day, he told me he would like to have me in the basement and he would give me food and drink.

Now I wonder, he always told me he would stay where he is with his family, now he meets someone a few days ago and he leaves when on top of that there are family problems with one of the sons. The other woman married with children too. He told me he would hate not to have me in this office because he likes to work with me and have me around.

I gave this person the resignation letter at the end of March that I was leaving at the end of April. He confirmed it in writing, that I would leave end of April. My soul and intuition told me to leave. I could not continue working there. His presence was intoxicating. I did tell him I dont want to see him ever again either as a partner, friend as he proposed only when it suited him as he already had someone new or as a colleague.

I told him all I think of him and how he played with me and used me. At the beginning of April I go to work and I receive an email from him copying HR and my colleague saying I had to hand in the key today and that my services are no longer needed there although I would get paid for the month of April.

I responded by email asking the reason why copying HR and stating that he had confirm my departure as of the end of April. He came to my desk angry and shouted in front of everyone to give the key and leave.

I said I wanted a reason. This with the whole office listening. He switched off my computer and I said I had to close my email. I told him whatever he had to tell me to do it in private. He continued talking to me like this in front of everyone. By the way, I continued to do my job as usual even if I informed I was leaving at the end of the month.

I asked for a reason to ask me to leave like this. He told me at the very start that he would keep me in a basement and give me food and drink. Yet, he met me maybe a total of 5 times in the 3 months I was there.

Why am I scaring you? I could not stand the idea of hurting you physically when we had sex, and it is the same mentally. Why are you always pushing the way you do? Melanie, At 10pm,he told me he loved me. At 12am, we were arguing on the phone. It was ugly. He hung up on me. The last three days have been me trying to get him to answer my texts or the phone. So I blocked him.

It was over in second. You did nothing wrong. Even if you had, a normal loving partner understands that love continues underneath an argument. A normal person does not shut somebody off and make them suffer. It is the cruelty of love and discard. I fear that when he does return you will be very nervous around an argument.

You will now bend and agree and never question him again. I hope that you realise that this is not normal. I hope that you understand that ignoring someone you proclaim to love is not the real deal. In your own time , you will understand that this is not normal.

Your email address will not be published. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Share Pin 1. Hi Dorothy, you are very welcome, and I so hope it helped! Keep healing dear lady. Mel xo. Hi Resilient, you are so welcome. For the answer — imagine an angry 5 year old.. What do they do? I hope that answers the question for you.

Hi Lana, my pleasure, and how wonderful you were able to let go and healthily take responsibility for the only person you can.. Bless you dear lady. Hi Jackie, there is only one true way … evolve ourselves beyond having those feelings — which means going inside ourselves to meet and heal those wounds. There is a huge difference … Thank you for your lovely comment, and I am so pleased you are having that shift!

Hi Ania, the truth is for anyone, that if we wish to admit that we have inner trauma and childhood wounds and are willing to unconditionally meet ourselves on the inside to do the work — we can heal. If that is your orientation and dedicated self-mission — you can heal.

I hope that helps. Thanks, Anders. Hi Anders, this is a fantastic question — and one that I hoped someone would ask! Which takes real work, healthy communication, care, trust, respect and shared values — and above all authenticity … Ironically all of those things create much better sex and connection than swinging off the chandeliers! Was that what they signed up for? Probably not. What to do? Narcissistic relationships fall absolutely into this category.

I hope this has helped … Mel xo. I know Part 2 will help answer this more for you! I think you are right, and I will look forward to Part 2. Hi Kimberly, what a relief that you are out of the cycle! You deserve to be happy and loved for real. Hi Avaa, Thank you and hope they have helped. Is that okay? Hi Ruth, I adore your orientation — it is a true Thriver One!

Bless you and big kudos! It has nothing to do with him at all … he was reflecting back what you needed to heal … Yaya!! Keep it up Ruth — you have GOT this!!!! Dear Melanie, I want to thank you deeply for the amazing work that you are doing.

Again and again, thank you for your excellent work! Hi Mary, My pleasure, and I am so pleased you are well on your way! Bless you Mary I am so happy you are partnering you!! Wow so much clicked into place for me after reading this article, thanks so much x.

Hi Lou, you are so welcome. That really explains everything you are asking in really deep and empowering detail. Thank you again, you are a gift. We have an incredible time in the Group — the growth is spectacular!

Hi Micha, I am so pleased this article helped you be strong. Micha this is sooo special. Hi Jane, yes very very true … absolutely! With gratitude, A Hope. Hi A Hope, My pleasure! It is just a much more powerful, direct and faster method. Hi Dorothy, I am so pleased this article reached you. The PTSD and all the other parts of this will be gone when the trauma and painful beliefs are gone … Because your organic Inner Being — your True Self that was always there — just buried under layers of trauma — will come back to life.

Big hugs and healing. Hi A Hope, That is so true … and an essential part of becoming free from this. There is also a related e-book and deep processes in an e-Book in the Gold Program. Hi WJB Mowtown. You are so welcome! Inner work … Mel xo. Hi Jennifer, Thank you for your beautiful comments … I thank God myself for this wonderful path every day too … we have SO much to be grateful for, being able to connect and share love and truth in this way!

Big hugs and well done. Cycle of Abuse in a Relationship with a Narcissist:. Signs and Behaviours:. You probably shouldn't see them as much. When the narcissist sees that you have no boundaries and seemingly need them in your role as a co-dependent , it will perpetuate their behaviour. You will get stuck in a cycle where you will put up with the abuse to the point where you devalue yourself so much, but still cling onto the hope that they might return to being who they were during the love-bombing phase.

You might be incredibly confused by what is happening and even think that you are to blame because the narcissist is behaving like this. A few pointers:. If something feels wrong with the relationship, notice the behaviour and seek support.

You will start to realise that you are a special person who deserves to be treated with respect. By doing this you will realise that you need to change things.